Dreaming

January 23, 2011

Amanda storms away from me down the hotel corridor. I’ve upset her and for one of the first times in my life it was genuinely accidental. For someone that seems to think he’s so smart, I’m pretty stupid. I’ve loved Amanda for five years yet not once in all this time been able to tell her how I feel. I guess I felt it was unfair, she was with someone else. My life flashes in front of my eyes, life without her.

“Wait one second!” I exclaim

“I have one thing that I want to say”,I can tell Amanda is crying, her head tilted to the ground her back to me down the hotel corridor.

I smile and pause, buying time. I need to do something, something big that will fix this and make things right between us.

“I love you”

It’s right at this moment, unexpectedly, I envision the soft dawn glow of the sun on her face, her back is to me but I can almost feel the sunlight casting across her lightly freckled face, that’s how real she is to me. So many times I’ve imagined this situation, running it through my mind as to how I hoped it would turn out. Right now, the moment I’m experiencing. I always hope that she will be smiling about now, her expression warming in the aftermath of those three words.

“I love you and that’s the one thing that’s always scared me” my voice nervously shakes, she doesn’t respond, all around us the hotel is silent.

Amanda slowly turns towards me, she looks like an angel

“I wanted to tell you that for such a long, all the times I never thought was the right time and I guess I just thought that this time might be the last time and that if it’s my chance I’m going to tell you I love you, you know why because” She interrupts

“Why?”

I don’t answer, Amanda continues, her voice is like a whisper

“why were you scared of telling me that?”, her face looks so fragile as if it could break into a thousand beautiful pieces

This doesn’t seem to be playing out how I had hoped it would, her reaction was different to how I had anticipated it. It was a moment that I needed something special, something magic. This moment was the first time she had really ever met me, I had never been truly honest about my feelings for her until now, those three words were who I was. Then like a breaking wave, her face so soft, so alive breaks into a smile so wide that it reminds me of the light of a golden morning sunrise.

“I was scared you would never tell me that”. Softly, she walks towards me and holds out her hand, instinctively I press out my palm and she grasps it, firmly she pulls me closer, I take a deep breath and we kiss.

When there’s a moment like this in your life, were instantly reminded of just how amazing and spectacular life can really be.


Motion Towards You

January 21, 2011

Amanda walks into my world like a life threatening illness. I know who she is and what she means to me almost instantly. It’s her personality that strikes me, not neccessarily her beauty or the way her ass looks in a tight pair of jeans. She stands her ground throughout the first few months I know her, from afar as her shorter form lends itself no resemblance to the way she carries herself as a woman. Even though at the time I’m only twenty two I’ve met a lot of bitter woman and woman who want to play games, she seems different to most of the girls out there that I know, at least in this city. Then she leaves.

To that date, I was a man carried of not what I would call subtle arrogance but more what i would call confident gratification. I had slept with fifty six woman in the four years prior. That’s about once every twenty six days. If you take into account the combined twelve months I’d spent with six different and varying girlfriends then divide by fifty that average drops to about once every twenty two days when single. Impressive for a guy from a town where every second girl is the neighbour of the friend of the girl you fucked in your lounge when your parents were away. I moved to this city confident, determined and hungry for success. I’d moved before, to another city somewhere south, enjoying my time but letting reckless abandon destroy the plans I had forgotten. This move had been different from before, the earlier endeavour forging a determination within myself to find the sun, somewhere happy and magical. I know now that I have found it, but in a much different form than I could of imagined.

Amanda is back six months later.